How to Talk to Children About Behaviour and Challenges

How Do We Talk to Children About Challenges?

Behaviour And Challenges

Every day, we have conversations about how to discuss behaviour and challenges with children and families. How do we tell them no? How do we correct behaviour while still protecting their confidence and emotional wellbeing?

When we think about our children, it’s worth asking: how many times do we say their name in a day? And how many times is it said positively rather than negatively? It’s easy to see this pattern even within an hour. Children might be annoying a sibling or making loud noises, and parents understandably respond with: “Don’t touch that.” “Stop grabbing things.” “He’s so obsessed with that.” “Don’t break it.” “Stay here.” All in the space of a few minutes — and all using the child’s name. That means the child is often hearing their name linked to something negative.

This is entirely understandable. Living with anyone day after day can be challenging, and of course, people do need correction sometimes. But research shows that children with ADHD receive around 20,000 more negative messages by the age of ten than their peers. Other studies suggest they are also more sensitive to criticism, which can lead them to avoid situations where they might be told off or feel rejected. For some, this means withdrawing and hiding away from adults. For others, it means that when they hear their name or experience even mild correction, they react strongly, because it feels like yet another criticism added to a long list.

Can you correct them without saying the negative thing? If a child hits someone else, adults often say "Stop hitting, keep your hands to yourself". Or if a child is running they say "Stop running, walk.". You can just say "keep your hands to yourself", or "walk".

The Power of Labels

Have you heard of Labelling Theory? Labelling theory suggests that a person’s self-identity and behaviour can be shaped by the words used to describe them. When someone is repeatedly called “naughty” or “difficult,” they may internalise that label and begin to act in line with it, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As EBSCO defines it:
“Labeling theory is a sociological and criminological concept suggesting that individuals' self-identity and behavior can be influenced by the terms used to describe or classify them.”
Source: EBSCO Research Starters – Labeling Theory

In short: if you call someone bad often enough, they may start to believe it — and become it.

“So, Are You Saying I Can’t Tell Them Off?”

Absolutely not. Boundaries are healthy and consequences can be useful — when they’re clear, fair, and achievable. But let’s look at a common example. A parent says: “If you’re good all week, we’ll go bowling on Friday.” Sounds reasonable, right? But let’s unpack it:

1. What does “being good” actually mean?
2. What happens if the child struggles one day through no fault of their own?

For many children, especially those who are neurodivergent, this type of delayed reward is simply too far away. It’s vague, and the chances of “failing” early in the week are high. Let’s say the child has a hard Monday and the parent cancels the Friday treat. Suddenly, the week feels ruined. There’s nothing left to look forward to, and the child may express frustration through challenging behaviour. The parent feels powerless, the child feels hopeless — and both are stuck in a cycle of stress.

We’ve all done it. Often it comes from our own upbringing, where rewards and punishments were structured the same way. But if the system sets the child up to fail, isn’t that really our design problem — not theirs?

Making Rewards Work Better

To make rewards meaningful, they need to be immediate, small, and specific. Instead of a weekly reward, try a daily or even hourly one. For example, in school, if a child loses their “end-of-day” reward at 9 a.m., there’s little motivation to try for the rest of the day. But if rewards reset every hour, they have five or six chances to turn things around — and hope stays alive.

If a consequence is given, there must always be a clear way back. Taking away an iPad, for instance, might stop a behaviour temporarily but can also trigger distress, conflict, or trauma. Instead, we can build a structured way for the child to earn it back: “Yes, of course you can have the iPad — once you’ve brushed your teeth.”

This approach turns a power struggle into a positive plan. It teaches cause and effect in a way that’s safe, predictable, and fair.

Practical Language Tools

Try these phrases:

• First brush teeth, then iPad.
• Now brush teeth, next iPad.

For more advanced learners, you can use visual aids like red/green boards or numbered sequences (1, 2, 3, 4). This method helps children understand routines and expectations, while keeping control gentle and consistent.

The Takeaway

Children thrive when they understand what’s expected, feel capable of success, and know that mistakes can be repaired. When we reduce negative labelling and create small, achievable goals, we shift from punishment to partnership — and that’s where real growth happens.